Konoha's Next Top Model
by alloysius
Summary: Nine girls, eight weeks untill Konoha Fashion Week. Who will be chosen to open the show for Akatsuki Fashions? Crack, OOCness, some het and some gayness and all things FIERCE. Who will become Konoha's Next Top Model?
1. Prologue: The Girl who wanted

The characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto and the Top Model format I guess belongs to CW and Tyra Banks.

Haku and Orochimaru will be referred to as either he or she depending on whether the person from whose POW the bit is being told knows their gender.

And finally: This whole thing is a joke. I love Naruto, I love all the characters (well, Kakashi not so much) and I love Top Model. But hey, it's fun to make fun of things I love.

Dedicated to Pihlajatar, who made me do it:)

***

"You fucking idiots! You goddamn retarded sons of fucking whores!" Hidan is so angry his face is pink. In his fit of rage he's already sent two dress dummies crashing against the wall. Pain and Madara stand still at a safe distance, everyone else has backed away against the wall behind them. They all know that trying to stop Hidan before he's gotten it all out of his system is not only useless, but dangerous. Hidan turns around and shakes his hand at the two men. His usually immaculately styled silver hair is flying all over the place in stiff gelled spikes and he's breathing so deeply his shoulders are shaking.

"I'll have you know, fucking bitches, that I will not take responsibility of my actions if you go through with this."

"We're aware of that," Madara says, sounding slightly bored. He's the founder, owner, and sole dictator of Akatsuki Fashions, and doesn't really have to listen to this if he doesn't want to. His general manager and right hand man Pain is slightly more worried-looking, he'll be the one to clean up after Hidan's little display of indignation.

"You're aware of that." Hidan takes a few steps away and throws his hands in the air. "Well, isn't that fucking great. The fact that you're aware you're ruining our work and this company and fucking EVERYTHING makes it all ok. I feel better already."

Madara rubs his eyes. He can feel a nasty headache knocking somewhere behind his eyeballs and he really doesn't have time for this.

"Ok. Ok. Everyone, listen to me. I'm only saying this once. The deal is happening, it's happening whether any of you like it or not. You know why? Because this is my company. My name, my money and my plan. I am the Akatsuki. None of you are irreplaceable; do not, for a minute, kid yourselves thinking that. I'm sick of being a goddamn babysitter." He glares at all of them. Hidan is standing by his desk, arms crossed and his lower lip jutting out, like an angry toddler.

Madara ignores him and walks up to the door. "Pain, you explain the details. I'll be in my office and none of you are to disturb me today." With that he disappears.

When the door clicks shut Pain lets out a long sigh. He wants to disappear, too.

"Look, Hidan. I know you hate this. But think about it. There'll be good publicity, for free, more customers, media coverage… everything. It's worth it."

Hidan's not looking at him. Pain prefers persuasion over threats but sometimes harsh measures cannot be avoided.

"Hidan. Madara meant what he said. You start a war over this, you're gonna lose. He needs this deal more than he needs you." He turns to face his colleagues.

"You lot. Get back to work. If Hidan gets excited again, lock him in a cupboard."

It's only after Pain has left as well that the rest of the people in the room feel brave enough to detach themselves from the wall. Hidan is still fuming alone by his desk, and no one pays him any attention.

"Whew. That was interesting," Deidara, one half of the company's Ad&Visuals team remarks as he grabs one of the dummies by the waist and hoists it back on its one skinny metal leg. "Konan, go give Pain a foot rub or something, he might worry himself a stroke."

Konan flashes him a smile and a finger. She knows that's what they're all thinking, she's always been the insulator between Pain and the others, it's always been up to her to soften the blows and perform some circus trick of inner marketing to keep them all happy and satisfied. Sure, none of them are as important as Madara, but they've all been handpicked for the team. Even Hidan, whose horrible temper is only matched by his crazy sense of style and innovation.

"Itachi, your brother's on line 4. He's having problems again." Kisame is leaning against the door frame, waving a pink head set in the air. Itachi says nothing, only closes the notebook he had been doodling into and wanders over to his desk to pick up the phone. Kisame disappears with a frown.

Konan follows him out.

"Kisame, did you hear about the-"

"Yes," the tall, hulky man says quietly. "Nothing to do with me."

"Oh, but it has! We need your-"

"Help with the decorating and the settings and the catering. I figured." He stops to touch a roll of black satin that's standing against the wall with a few dozen other rolls. "Catering…" he repeats wistfully. Konan says nothing. If Kisame is in one of his moods again, she's better off with a depressed Pain. She walks along and leaves Kisame stroking the soft fabric. Insane, she thinks, not for the first time. Insane, the lot of them.

Back in workroom 5 Kakuzu has been given the task of keeping Hidan out of the way as the others clean the room and hold an emergency meeting. Hidan takes part by yelling as loud as Kakuzu's hands on his windpipe allow him.

"What I still don't understand," Zetsu mumbles, focusing more on his white potted orchid than his listeners, "is that why the hell do they need to move here. It's not like we don't have enough stroppy little bitches as it is."

"Are you talking about me!? You fucking jungle freak I'm so gonna-"

"I AGREE," Sasori has to yell to get his voice heard over Hidan's rambling, "And I hate the idea of having cameras here as well. How the hell is anyone supposed to be able to work when they're being filmed 247."

"But the cameras might catch whoever it is that keeps stealing my lining fabric and moving my pins," Itachi adds absentmindedly. A loud crash turns everyone's attention to the door. Kisame is standing there, purple-faced, holding an empty tea tray. The mess on the floor in front of him most likely used to be a tea pot and seven cups.

"Oh, Kisame, I didn't know you came back," Itachi notes and goes back to work.

"Are you going to clean that?" Deidara asks helpfully as Kisame seems to have turned into a statue.

"Hmm, and after you do, I could use a little help with the mesh corset," Itachi says, mouth full of pins and his hands on the hips of a red-clad dummy.

"Oh… oh… Ok!" Kisame's voice is strangely squeaky. He disappears and reappears with a towel and starts scrubbing the floor.

*

Madara hates the plan as much as his employees. Publicity, he tells himself as he watches Tsunade Senju walk across the studio to greet him, her voluptuous hips swaying at every click of her high heels, her Farah Fawcett hair bouncing. Publicity, money, success, my plan. Tsunade flicks her wavy fringe off her face and offers her long nailed hand to him. My plan.

"You have no idea how happy I am you decided to come on board," she says, smiling. "If I do say so myself, this is the best plan I've ever come up with."

Madara's eye twitches. "Uhm, miss Senju-"

"Oh, none of that nonsense, call me Tsunade."

Twitch.

"Ok, Tsunade, I want to be absolutely clear about this. This was my plan, and we're playing by my rules. My company is on the line here-"

"Yes, yes. Absolutely clear. Now, I want to know how the building work is coming along. My decoration team needs to get in by this evening. I mean, the girls need to move in tomorrow. I was thinking, maybe I could send them over right away, after the shooting, so that they can adjust their plans and…"

"Yes. Everything's on schedule. But I want none of my people disturbed; the girls need to understand that they're damn lucky to get the opportunity to-"

"Oh, I believe they do," Tsunade cuts him off again. "They grew up watching me in magazines and on the catwalk, I'm quite sure none of them wants to displease me in any way."

"Listen, lady, do not try to boss me around. I do not have to let your stupid models and stupid cameras inside my company. I am taking a huge risk here, but so are you. One step out of line, Ms Senju, and you people have no business with Akatsuki Fashions, not with Konoha Fashion Week. Do you understand me?"

Tsunade's eyes narrow. "Do you understand, Mr Uchiha, what would happen to your precious company if I were to call this off? I can do that." Snap. "Just like that. This is my format, and I need to carefully consider whether working with Akatsuki is in the best interest of my brand."

They stare at each other. Madara is beyond annoyed. He assumed Tsunade to be just a face, a figurehead, no more. He's shocked and a little scared to see that she really is the president of her empire, and has the power to really make things difficult for Akatsuki if she wants to.

"Uhh… Tsunade, we're ready to begin. The girls are ready and the director's good to go." A short haired brunette holding a clip board has appeared next to them.

"Thank you, Shizune." Tsunade looks up at Madara again. "So, this is it. Are you game?"

Madara doesn't know if the strange feeling this crazy woman stirs in him is hatred or respect. But he knows what has to be done.

"I'm game."

They walk to centre of the set together.

Tsunade's personality changes again when the cameras start rolling. She flashes a huge, sparkly-white smile and throws her arm around Madara's shoulders.

"Are you ready?" she asks the camera. "Are you ready for something completely different?"

Madara forces a wiry smile on his face.

"This season, Konoha's Next Top Model will be picked in association with Akatsuki Fashions. The lucky ladies will live and learn fashion inside the most famous designer house in the country, and finally, after eight weeks, the winner will be opening the Akatsuki Spring 2009 fashion show at Konoha fashion week."

She turns around and walks up the low steps behind her, gently dragging Madara with her. At the top of the steps, in front of the judges' table, they turn and pose again. "I'm here with the man behind the satin, the fearless innovator and a secret agent of beauty: Uchiha Madara."

"In just a few minutes, we'll introduce our 18 new girls, 9 of whom will continue after today. But before we call them out, there's more news. This year you, our dear viewers, will also have a slice of the power: your votes will count as the final judge vote. The money from the texts and calls will go to Akatsuki Fahions' Charity of the Year: the Glider Foundation, who are doing awesome work helping the near-extinct flying squirrels of the Miu Forrest in Suna! Isn't that wonderful!" She smiles from ear to ear. Madara's smile is starting to look a little painful.

"And now, without further ado, let's meet the lay-deeeeeeez!"

The 18 hopeful girls are huddled close together on a three step staircase behind the scenes. Ino is one of the six in the middle row. She's carefully examining the girls around her. She doesn't feel threatened, oh no, merely interested. Some of the girls look downright pathetic. There's one poor little thing in front of her, with horrible henna-orange mop of hair and spotty skin. The girl is bent over so badly she looks much shorter than the rest of them. The girl next to Hunchback is fat, Ino notes with glee. Her jeans are too tight and there's excess fat pouring over the waistline. For the love of god, Ino thinks, where did they find these monsters?

Some of the girls are prettier. The two on her left look very similar, both with long black hair, almond-shaped eyes and prominent cheekbones. The one right next to Ino catches her eye. Ino gives the girl her trademark friendly-yet-condescending smile. You're cute, honey, it says, but I'm cuter. The girl lifts one thin black eyebrow and tilts her head back. Her retort is just as clear: wanna bet?

Ino barely has time to replace her shocked expression with a winning smile before the red satin curtain lifts with a soft whoosh and they're on air.

"Ok ladies. You all know Akatsuki Fashions is all about a-tti-tude." Tsunade performs a perfectly timed Z-snap. "And your first task is not to pose, not to walk, but to talk."

She walks down the stairs from the where she was standing in front of the judges' table to the other small staircase where girls are lined up.

"You each have twenty seconds. Tell us why we should pick you. But before we begin…" She twists her hands dramatically, "Behind me are the esteemed judges you'll want to impress." She turns half way to motion each of the five people at the table as she introduces them.

"First, we have the wondeful Mr. Jiraya, one of the greatest fashion photographers of all time, who is responsible for some of the best pictures of little old me." The screen behind the long table flashes a series of photos of Tsunade from her days of prime. Most of them are nudes. The white haired man with in a strange red suit at the left end of the table waves at the girls. "Hello there, girlies."

Perv, Ino thinks.

"And then, we have the most amazing runway coach in the history of Fashion, Ms G."

Jesus Christ. Ino can barely believe her eyes. The man Tsunade is pointing at is wearing a bright green nurse's uniform and his hair is like shiny black bowl on his head.

"Hi girls! Ready to sparkle with the power of youth?"

Ugh.

"And then, there's the man who needs no introduction, Madara Uchiha." Uchiha says nothing, merely nods stiffly.

"And finally, the world's first supermodel, the amazing, in incomparable, the infamous, Orochimaru."

Orochimaru actually stands up. She (he? Ine remembers the rumours and seeing Orochimaru in person doesn't make the confusion any clearer) is wearing a horrible black dress with a huge purple bow for a belt and the tallest heels Ino has ever seen."

"Hello girls, rock and roll!" Her (Ino decides that for now, she'll give Orochimaru the benefit of the doubt) voice is horribly raspy, like she's done nothing but smoke and drink for the past ten years. This, Ino thinks, is probably precisely what she's done. Orochimaru gives a series of weird couture poses before sitting down and lifting her legs on the desk.

"And then we have our little spy behind the scenes. The man who will be my eyes and ears at the photo shoots," Tsunade motions to the left side of the room, "stylist and make up artist extraordinaire, Mr K."

"Woof!" Mr K says nothing, but the ugly creature in his big black hand bag does, and Ino guesses it's supposed to be a dog. Mr K actually looks a little tired, from what Ino can see of his face. He's wearing an expensive looking silk scarf on his neck, pulled up so that it covers his nose and mouth. His hair is that strange ashen blonde colour Ino tried to get done but her hair dressed gave up. Ino decides Mr K is a lucky bitch with no red pigment.

"Ok!" Tsunade claps her hands, shaking her hips in the rhythm. "Let's get going. When I call you name, please step forward and give us a clear and simple answer. Why you? We have randomly selected the beginner, and Kin, you're first."

The bitchier brunette pushes past Ino to the front. Her ridiculously long hair gets stuck on Ino and the fat girl in the front.

"Hi," she waves at the judges. "I just want to say, before I begin, that Orochimaru, you are such an inspiration, I mean, I grew up in Oto, not far from where I heard you used to live and your example…" she wipes off a tear that Ino is sure is fake, "has kept me going even though it's been so hard."

Tsunade rolls her eyes as do all the other girls, but Orochimaru is once again back on her high heels and rushes to give Kin a hug.

"I… I guess what I'm saying is…" Kin sniffs, fanning herself with her hand, "that I should be here because I have worked harder than anyone of these girls, I'm a survivor." She straightens her back and the crying game is over. "And, I'm the most beautiful girl in the room."

"Ok. That's…. good to know," Tsunade says. "Next up is Sakura."

Sakura's hair is so light red it looks pink. She's wearing a light yellow miniskirt and matching jacket and looks like an office lady.

"Hello. I'm Sakura. I want to win this competition because I think models are extremely influential and important role models. I want to use my fame for a good cause and also prove that a girl doesn't have to be an airhead bimbo to be a model. I also think that the fashion industry's obsession with skinniness is sick and dangerous and I want to do my part in changing that. So many young girls struggle with anorexia and it's unfair because everyone should be able to enjoy beautiful things, it shouldn't matter if they're thin or-"

"Or for god's sakes shut up!" Orochimaru interrupts. "Time out. Thank you, Miss Universe; you may go back to your place now."

Sakura opens her mouth to argue. Her cheeks are flushed and she's clearly very angry. Tsunade pats her on the shoulder. "Ok, thank you, Sakura. It was very good. Next up, Shiho."

Sakura stomps back, still fuming, and Hunchback steps down to the front. She smiles nervously and pulls at the hem of her dress. It's clearly shorter than anything she's used to wearing.

"Uhm… I'm Shiho… I work at a library, and uh… I came here because my boyfriend said I should give it a try. Uhm… I don't really know that much about fashion…" Her voice fades.

"I don't think you have to, honey, you're fucking gorgeous. I mean the hair is awful and you really need a facial of two but you are the only one here that looks like a model!"

"Thank you, Orochimaru, but we're not judging yet." Tsunade sounds a little exasperated. "And thank you, Shiho."

After Shiho Ino mostly loses interest. Most of the girls are ugly and boring and it isn't until Tsunade calls the name Temari that she perks up again. It's the fat girl. She steps down slowly, moving her hips more than is necessary and photographer Jiraya's eyes nearly fall out of his stupid face.

"Hi y'all. I'm Temari, and I'm here to bring some southern spice into this show." She puts a hand on her hip and thrusts her chest forward. The pen Jiraya's holding snaps in two.

"I guess I agree on what Pink Lady there said about anorexia. I know I ain't that skinny but I sure know how to look good." Her accent is overdone, Ino's never heard anyone from Suna really talk like that, but the judges love it. Ino can hear Ms G affectionately dub her Little Bo Beep. Well played. Maybe Temari isn't as stupid as she sounds and looks.

Ino has no time to contemplate Temari's motives because she needs to step down next. Damnit! She's spent all her time thinking about the other girls when she should've been preparing! Shit!

"Uh… Hi. I'm Ino. I'm here because I love clothes and I love posing and everyone's always told me I should be a model. I was like a fashion icon at my high school and I grew up reading my mother's fashion magazines and I always dreamed of one day being on the cover." Ok that's a lie, she didn't always want to be a model. She just wanted to be famous. But it's almost the same, isn't it?

"Ok, a very typical model answer. Thank you, Ino."

Typical? Who are you calling typical you stupid has-been? Ino steps back up. Kin is laughing silently and sticks her tongue out as Ino settles back next to her. "A fashion icon?" Kin whispers to the other brunette but Ino is definitely meant to hear every word. "more like the village bicycle."

That's it. Once the cameras are gone, that bitch is going to die.

The next girl is pale and stammering so badly no one can really understand her. After that it's Haku, or Kin 2.0. She's ridiculously flat and skinny but walks like a model and her face is extremely beautiful. Ino decides to hate her as well.

"Well… The guy in the mask whose name I forgot came up to me at a dango place downtown and told me I should be here." Haku shrugs. "I guess he knows since he works the show."

"So, you don't have any dark secrets we should know about? We can just trust Mr K's judgement?" Ms G asks. Haku giggles. "Oh, I have secrets alright. But they're for me to know and you to find out."

"Ok, secrets are usually good. And last but not least, Tayuya."

Tayuya stomps down the steps. Her long hair is bright fuchsia and she's wearing an awful golden scarf-turban-thing on her head, black harem pants and a glittering gold top.

"Yo! I'm Tayuya. I'm here to win. If it's attitude you want, that's what you're fucking getting and that's all you need to know about me."

Tsunade looks a little stunned, but recovers quickly. "Alright. Thank you, girls. Now, the judges will deliberate and when we call you back, nine of you will continue on the running towards becoming Konoha's Next Top Model, and the other nine will be eliminated."

The girls leave in a long, nervous line, and Tsunade takes her seat between Ms G and Madara. The judges turn to each other.

"Ok," Tsunade starts as she spreads 18 pictures on the table. "These pictures are mostly crap, they're the application pictures they sent us. But they'll remind us who's who."

"They're all shit, except her, her, her and her," Orochimaru says and pushes all but the four pictures he's collected over to Jiraya's side of the table. She's picked Shiho, Kin, Haku and a conservative looking brunette with pig tails called Tenten.

"You only like Kin because she mentioned your name," Jiraya sighs and flips the pictures around. "I want her," he lifts out Temari, "and these two." Ino and a busty girl called Ayame.

"Oh, I see a pattern."

"Shut up!"

"I like Hinata. She has a beautiful complexion. All she needs is a little encouragement." Ms G picks Hinata's photo out of the pile.

"You think she could handle nudes? Or a sexy photo shoot with a male model?" Tsunade asks. Ms G shrugs. "We'll never know if we let her go."

Tsunade looks at Madara. "Come on, Mr President man, tell us what you think."

Madara carefully studies each picture before picking out five and organising them neatly on the table. Sakura, Kin, Ino, Haku and Tayuya.

"You have a thing for pink, do you."

"Are you sure about Miss Universe and punk rocker chick," Ms G asks, flicking Sakura and Tayuya's picture in front of his face like fan.

"They have potential. Each and every one of these girls needs a proper make over, these two aren't going to be pink after today."

"I agree," Tsunade says. "I want them on. I partially agree with all of you." Se organises the pictures into two sets of nine. "These," she points to her left, "Are on. And these are out."

"I won't have her on the show. She fat! Fat fat fat fat!" Orochimaru's banging the table with his fist at each word.

"She is not fat! She curvy! You know what everyone told me when I first got started in this industry? Just what you're saying about her now!" Madara tilts his chair back to get out of the way as Tsunade leans closer to Orochimaru, her eyes flaming. "And look where I got. This girl is beautiful and I want her on!"

Orochimaru rolls his eyes. "Whatever. She's still fat."

"Ok, are we done? Have we reached a decision?" Jiraya interrupts the bickering.

"Yes," Madara and Tsunade say in unison.

"No," says Orochimaru, but everyone ignores him.

Ino is nervous. She hates to admit it, but the trail of cold sweat running down his neck is evidence enough. Kin and Haku have climbed onto a small table to smoke out of a ventilation window and Sakura has managed to gather a small group of listeners to her rant on what an asshole Orochimaru is. Ino vaguely wishes she had someone to talk to, but that would mean being humble and showing interest in the other girls. She's not that nervous.

"Ok, ladies," Mr K and his barking hand bag appear through the double doors. "We're ready for you."

They follow him back to the studio. Tsunade is standing in the middle of the room, holding a pile of photographs.

"I have nine photos in my hands," she says, her voice dramatic and sort of sad. "These photos represent the girls that will continue in the competition. The names that I do not call…" she holds a small pause. "must immediately return to the hotel, pack your bags, and leave."

Another pause, and then she flips a photo over.

"Kin." Shit, Ino thinks. Well, at least she'll have more time to teach the bitch some manners.

"Tayuya." Bleurgh.

"Hinata." Snooze.

"Temari." Are you kidding me?

"Tenten." Who? Ino couldn't even remember the girls face, let alone her name.

"Haku." No, don't give the bitch an army!

"Shiho." Oh please.

"Ino." Hey, that's me! She almost runs to Tsunade and accepts her picture with a huge smile before joining the others on the right side of the room.

"I only have one photo in my hands. This photo represents the last of you girls who will still be on the running to become Konoha's Net Top Model. The name that I'm going to call…." Tsunade flips the last photo over.

"Sakura."

"Oh!" Sakura stumbles over.

"You need to be a model, not a beauty pageant queen. Congratulations."

"Thank you."

"The rest of you," Tsunade opens her hands as if to apologise to the eliminated nine. "Thank you."

The losers leave the room quietly while the lucky nine jump around whooping and squealing. Ino actually gets a hug from an exhilarated Sakura. Tsunade runs up to them, screaming

"Group hug!" There are hands everywhere and Ino's mouth is full of somebody's hair but it's still wonderful.

"Ok! I know you are all excited, but no celebrating yet! There's still some surprises left for today!"

She motions Mr K over.

"You'll be getting make overs!"

More screaming. Ino thinks she's going deaf but it doesn't matter. She's screaming louder than anyone else. Hmm, maybe she did really want this a little.

*TBC*


	2. 1: The Girl who cried

Chapter 1: The girl who cried

Hi there, another chapter! This week we have make-overs, beauty shots and secrets:) And once again, don't be confused with the he/she problem with Haku, it just depends on who's POW it is. it should be clearer after this chapter.

I'm sorry for Tayuya, I adore her, but she just fit the part the best^^

edit. I had to use asterisks to mark spaces since document manager doesn't want me to put in single line breaks even if I use Shift+Enter... oh well

***

Before the news has had time to sink in, they're already in shiny black shiny black limousines with red leather interiors speeding through the streets.

"Awww, I was hoping we'd at least get some champagne," Ino whines when she, Sakura and Tenten have gone through all the hidden compartments in the back of their limo. Shiho has taken no part in the raid.

"I guess Tsunade meant what she said about not celebrating," Sakura muses. Instead of champagne they have nine different types of soda, peanuts, and a TV.

"Hmm, all it has is MTV2."

"Eugh, indie crap."

Sakura rolls her eyes at Ino's comment.

*

The cars pull up in front of a large warehouse-like building with hardly any windows. They're ushered inside through a small side door and then along a corridor with strange pinkish walls, then up endless stairs and finally into a large, empty storage room. Somehow Mr K is already there although they left before he did. After a few vague words of welcome he leaves again. His hand bag and it's aesthetically challenged inhabitant are left to "keep an eye on the girls".

"Did he fly? How the hell else did he get here that fast…" Ino whispers to herself, barely audible.

"Mmhm, calculating from the turns the cars took and the overall changes in speed I'd say they eventually returned to the point of origin." Shiho scratches her messy hair.

"What?" Ino has no idea what the other girl just said. Shiho smiles at her. She must be used to her ramblings receiving that reaction.

"It means we're still in the same building."

*

Some of the other girls are figuring this out as well. Haku allows Kin to drag him somewhere for a cigarette. He likes Kin. She's horribly bitchy and probably fake as hell but she's funny and nice to him and the fact that they look so much alike is strangely comforting. Like proof that despite everything, he's still supposed to be here.

"Damnit! There must be a window somewhere!" Kin pulls another door open.

"Wait. Isn't that…" They're looking at a large darkened room with two low stair cases and a long table right in front of where they're standing by the door.

"This is a little spooky," Haku says as she takes a small step inside the judging room. "What the hell is this place?"

Kin stays in the corridor and barely dares to poke her head in.

"I don't know but it must be huge."

"How the hell are we gonna find our way back?"

They look at each other.

"Shit!" And then they run. Giggling and stumbling in their high heels they finally fall through the last door to the waiting room and nearly crash straight into Mr K.

"Welcome, ladies. I don't think I need to remind you that a model as to be dedicated and always on time.

"You were late yourself," Sakura points out. Mr K ignores her.

"Right, then! Let's get started! This way, please." He guides them through yet another small, unimportant-looking door. The room behind it is large and light; sunlight is pouring in through the back wall, made out of glass tiles. Nine pink hairdresser's chairs are lined along the glass wall, next to each is a small silver table.

"Make-overs!" Mr K smiles behind his scarf so that his eyes squint into happy little curves.

"Oh my god yes!" Ino seemingly can't control her volume levels anymore.

"Oh dear, white trash finally gets something other than home bleach," Kin mutters.

"Now now, ladies, settle down. I want you to meet my accomplices: They've styled all the hottest celebrities and write a monthly style column for the Daily Mirrorwheel Magazine. The S and U of SU Hair&Face: Sakon and Ukon!"

Confusing androgyny seems to be the thing this season. Sakon and Ukon look exactly alike, both extremely thin with similar lavender dye jobs and piercing black eyes. And purple lipstick. And pearls.

"I hate purple," Kin can hear Sakura's horrified whisper. Seconded, Miss Universe, she thinks. Sakon and Ukon do not look like people Kin'd trust with her precious hair.

"Welcome." Sakon and Ukon speak in perfect sync with a weird pseudo-French accent, and they both tilt their heads in the exact same way as they evaluate the potential masterpieces standing in front of them.

Creepy.

"And finally, Madara Uchiha will be here, personally supervising the changes you'll go through."

Madara emerges from behind the girls wearing his usual bored expression with psychotic undertones if you know where to look.

"Ok, I am sure you all know how these things work. We have decided what each of you is getting, and you either take it like a model or, well, leave the competition," the Uchiha says non-chalantly, not bothering with hellos.

"You are allowed to cry, though," Mr K adds with that quirky smile. The girls keep quiet. There's something very unnerving about Mr K, and his weird smiles and even Ino, who's not the brightest crayon in the box, has come to realise Mr K might even be more dangerous than the Uchiha.

*

They're guided to their seats, and Mr K, Uchiha and S and U walk them each through their personal make-over.

"You're hair is yellow," Mr K says to Ino, who is too scared to argue. "You look like trailer trash. So what we're gonna do, is give you a more natural blonde tone and make it a bit darker underneath to hide the fact that your hair is really thin."

Ino swallows. She will not cry. No fucking way will this horrible man make her cry.

"She will need extensions," Sakon and Ukon announce. "Iz like she 'as zree 'airs on 'er 'ead now, we dye it, zere will be only too left."

"Sounds about right," Mr K agrees happily.

*

"You look like a strawberry milkshake," Mr K tells Sakura, who smiles. A compliment? From this crazy asshole? But her smile fades quickly as Mr K continues: "and not in a good way. You know the feeling when you've had ten of those watery shakes they serve at Ichiraku Burger? Like your stomach wants to crawl out of your ass just to be able to commit suicide? That's what I feel when I look at your hair."

So Sakura will be getting a dye job to make her hair look more like the nice, expensive strawberry milkshake from Akimichi's Mr K happens to like.

"An' we need to style it, you look like you cut your 'air yourself, stupid girl," Sakon and Ukon huff. Sakura might usually be quick to voice her disagreements but she's also not dumb. She forces out a smile that looks more like a grimace. Sakon and Ukon don't notice but Mr K nods to her.

"Keep it longer in ze front an' short an' spiky in ze back. Tres chic."

*

They move on over to Shiho's chair and Sakon and Ukon let out a very drag queen-y shriek and cover each others' mouths with perfectly manicured hands.

"Sacre bleu! Whaz iz ziz madness! Who would do somezing like zis! We zought 'enna waz jus' some 'orrible urban legend zey tell in beauty school!"

Mr K agrees. "We have a lot of work to do with you." He pulls at a strand Shiho's mouldy carrot-coloured hair as if to test if it's really real. "You'll go platinum blonde and all this dry crap at the ends will go. A neat geometric bob like that Rai singer, Samui."

"And you get to see a beautician," Uchiha opens his mouth for the first time. "You need a goddamn lazer scrub or something. And either new frames or contacts, we'll sort that out, too."

Shiho actually smiles. It's a shy smile and her cheeks are a little pink, but it's a smile. Mr K smiles, too, and pats her on the shoulder. "And you need to stop thinking like a librarian and start thinking like a model." Shiho nods.

*

"What the hell is this?" Uchiha pulls the turban off Tayuya's head. "You're banned from wearing this for the rest of the competition. I'm burning it."

"What?! You can't do that! I fucking made that myself!"

"Shush." Mr K pokes her in the temple. Tayuya looks outraged.

"Ze colour is 'orrible. Whaz iz zis, Manic Panic? Mon dieu! You will go deep chésnut brown. We will cut it shorter, and you get a fierce diagonal fringe."

"Fierce," agrees Mr K.

Tayuya stares at them. Slowly, her face crumples up like a piece of plastic curling in a fire. She sniffs.

"Oh for the love of god," Uchiha turns away with a theatrical slap at his forhead.

"You… you can't do that to meeeeeeeeeeeeee," Tayuya's sniffs evolve into a desperate wail. She hides her face in her hands and howls like a fire engine.

Mr K stares at her. "Wow. Well, on we go." And they leave her.

*

"You're not gonna cry, are you?" Mr K asks Kin as he frees her long black hair from the pony tail. "No, sir," Kin smiles. Tayuya's still crying.

"Good, 'cos we choppig this off."

Kin's eyes widen. "…Off?" she whispers.

"Yup," Mr K smiles. "Shoulder length, shredded, sexy. Right guys?"

The three other men nod.

Tayuya's crying loud in her ears is the only thing keeping Kin from falling apart. She's been growing her hair since she was four years old. She's always had her hair, all she has is her hair. No, wait, that's not right. She has a lot more. More important things. Maybe it really is time to let g of her safety blanket.

*

"Ooh… so soft, so thick… we want to bury our toes in it like ze soft sand when we were little and mama took us to ze beach…"

Temari closes her eyes and bites her lower lip. Four creepy hands pet, pull and stroke her hair and she's starting to feel a little violated.

"Err, ok," Mr K looks a little awkward, too. "Uhh, right."

Uchiha slaps Ukon on the wrist and both him and his brother pull away sharply, as if electrocuted.

"Right… we will give you a nice deep honey as the base colour, and spark it up with bright blonde and mahogany highlights. The cut is very nice, you must have a very good hair dressers in the desert in Suna."

Temari shrugs. "They're ok."

Mr K raises his eye-brows but says nothing.

*

Hinata is shaking and blushes madly as they come to examine her. She has straight shiny ebony hair down to her shoulder blades and an unflattering centre parting.

"You're going short," Mr K says, "short short short."

"You 'ave beautiful cheekbones, we need to bring zem out more."

"And you need a fringe. You need some edge in your look, god knows your personality doesn't have any."

"Sharp, long fringe, almost hiding your eyebrows. Page boy hair. Not many people can pull that off but I reckon you can."

Hinata blushes even darker. "Th- th- thank… thank you."

*

"Curls. We absolutely demand curls," Sakon and Ukon turn Haku's chair around so that she's facing the style team instead of the camera. "Large, soft waves. Charlie's Angels curls."

"Uhm… I thought perm was like the biggest fashion crime, ever," Haku pipes up. Uchiha glares at her. "Uhhh. Nevermind." she sighs.

"I agree," Mr K says, ignoring everything about Haku except her hair. "We need to soften her up a bit. Her face a bit too angular for the sharp, straight look. Curls will make her more feminine."

Haku chuckles.

"No need to comment," Uchiha says.

"No, I wasn't going to-"

"Shh."

"Fine."

*

"And last but not least…" Mr K begins, "uh… what was your name again?"

"Tenten."

"Right! Tenten!"

"You look like Minnie Mouse. No more pigtails for you, cherie."

"I guess you'll go darker. Straight, dark and maybe a highlight or two."

"Something a little less… ordinary."

They get tow work. The air stinks of hydrogen peroxide and hair spray and Tayuya is still crying. She manages to know the brush soaked in hairdye out of Sakon's hand and nearly stabs Mr K with his own pair of scissors. No one recognises Shiho. Her posture is still horrible and she's scheduled to meet with the beauticians and oculists tomorrow, but she looks like a completely different person. She stops in front of every reflecting surface to gently poke and pull at her new hair, not really believing it's her at all.

"Alright," Mr K sighs when they're all finally ready. He wipes his forehead. "That was tiresome. Now, you're going to go back to the hotel. Enjoy your last night without cameras. Tomorrow you're moving into your new apartment."

*

The next morning they force their clothes and shoes into their suitcases and arrange themselves in the same limousines as the day before. MTV2 and Vanilla Coke have lost their appeal and most girls are quiet and grumpy and uncomfortable with the cameras.

The cars pull up in front of the same large building.

"What the fuck? We're moving here?" Kin voices their collective disappointment. "I thought we'd get a cool apartment, or a villa or something. This place is crap!"

"I'm glad to hear that." Uchiha Madara is standing by the door with Mr K and a green-haired man they haven't met before. The stranger is wearing a suit that's black on one side and white on the other with a black shirt and a white tie. He looks like the male version of Cruella DeVil.

"If you have any other complaints, I advise you to save them for the confession room of your new home. For now, shut the hell up." Uchiha is clearly having a bad day, although the girls have yet to see him any nicer that this.

Mr K however, is his usual smiley, creepy self.

"Good morning," he sing-songs. "Today we're doing beauty shots. This is Zetsu from Akatsuki Fashions," he points at Cruella, "he's in charge of a new, ecologically aware campaign in association with GreenLeaf Cosmetics. He's supervising the shoot. Leave your bags, they'll be taken care of."

The girls follow the three men inside the building. This time they go through a small door in the first corridor instead of taking the stairs, and finally end up in a large, brightly lit studio. They're each given a dress made of rough sack cloth. Zetsu gives them a long speech about environmentalism, the green house effect and plants dying and how make-up industry is contributing to all this wickedness. He seems really touched by his own words. Uchiha looks a little embarrassed.

"Horrible, right? But GreenLeaf Cosmetics is different. They have a philosophy of sustainable development, and they only use parts of plants that can be extracted without killing the plant. Take a birch tree, for example…" Zetsu drones on. Mr K looks ready to fall asleep. So do all the girls apart from Sakura who's listening attentively.

Finally, Uchiha interrupts Zetsu. "Right. Good. Fine. Let's get started, shall we?"

Zetsu looks deeply hurt, but doesn't dare to question his boss.

The girls get funky make-jobs with lots of bright colours and temporary tattoos snaking up their neck or down from their hairline.

"I look like a gay superhero," Temari grumbles in front of the mirror. Her eyelids are bright pink, and an elaborate tattoo, so dark purple it looks almost black, starts between her eyebrows and spreads across her forehead like a lacy fan.

"Ready to save the abused birch trees," Haku giggles. "This whole thing is ridiculous." Her eyes are lined with dark indigo blue and half of her face is covered with a glittery white snowflake design. She looks over her shoulder to the other side of the studio where Ino is being photographed in front of a creamy white backdrop. Ino's hair is pulled back in a tight bun and her face a patchwork quilt of different shades of pink.

"At least neither of us looks like a pig," Temari follows Haku's line of thought.

*

The photographer stays quiet, letting Zetsu do all the instructing. His commands are as bizarre as their make-up, and most of the time the girls have no idea what he wants from them.

"Be a bluebell," he tells Hinata. "The wind has travelled all across the heath just to caress you face… Feel the wind! Be that bluebell! Think like a bluebell!" Hinata looks like she wants to run away across the heath.

"Yes! That's it! There's my bluebell!"

The shoot takes all day. They get a sad-looking sandwich and a small cup of coffee each at half past three and after that it's five more exhausting hours. Mr K and Madara Uchiha disappear at some point, presumably to have a nice big dinner somewhere else. It's nearly ten o'clock when the girls are finally clean-faced and back in their own clothes again.

"Right, thank you all for the day. I hope this gives you some idea of what being a model is like." Mr K looks annoyingly brisk. "Now follow me, I'll take you home."

*

They were wrong. Living in the Akatsuki headquarters is far from crap. There's a huge inner courtyard inside the huge building, and a fair share of it is part of their new residence. They have a hardwood patio and even a hot tub. Inside the place is just as gorgeous. Huge livingroom-cum-kitchen with large windows dominates the apartment; they have three bathrooms and the large bedrooms, each with three beds and a different colour scheme. The only reminders of the competition are walls, covered with pictures of Tsunade, and the huge black couch covered with red pillows shaped like the cloud like Akatsuki emblem. And the cameras.

Mr K leaves them to get settled and gives them a permission to celebrate tonight. After he's gone a woman with a huge white rose in her blue hair comes to welcome them to the Akatsuki building. She introduces herself as Konan and the girls are happy to note she's much more normal and sane than any other person they've met in the last week.

"This place can be a bit tiring," she says, "but I guarantee you'll have fun here. Just remember, no matter what happens, it's just fashion. Not the end of the world."

She looks around the spacious room.

"And remember the cameras."

With that she leaves them to unpack and sort out their living arrangements.

Ino ends up sharing a room with Sakura and Hinata. Ino wanted into the purple bedroom but Kin had already dragged her bag there and wasn't going to back down. After a lot of screaming and even some hair pulling, Hinata finally stepped between them, laid her small shaking hands on their shoulders and begged them to stop yelling. Her intrusion shocked both Ino and Kin out of the bitch mode. Ino now wishes she would have continued. The pink room is not half as nice as the purple one.

*

"Aah, now this is living," Temari sighs as she settles in the outside hot tub next to Kin. "Aren't you coming?"

"No thanks," Haku smiles and leans down to lie on her back by the pool side and opens a bottle. Temari consifcated 16 of the 35 bottles of the newly launched Bacardi Breezer Pink (tastes like pitaya) they got from Konan the PR lady, for the three of them. Kin and Haku agreed with Temari that half of the other girls wouldn't want them anyway and the other half shouldn't be allowed to drink more than one. So it's for the best of everybody that they have taken up the task of destroying the dangerous substance before anything bad might happen.

"Right. Tell me who you hate most," Kin asks the other two after almost half an hour of soaking up the luxury of their new life in silence. Temari and Haku glance at each other.

"Oh, come on, don't be like that. Fine, I'll start. I hate everyone except you two."

"Awww, and they say romance is dead," Temari smirks.

"No, I'm serious. Take Sakura. She opens her mouth, my mind goes offline. She just talks and talks and talks and ooh I'm gonna be a doctor. Well, go be a doctor then what the fuck are you doing here?!" Kin finishes her third drink. "And whatsherface Tenten. Could she be any more boring? It's like she a side character in some crappy book and no one bothered giving her a personality. Ah, who's next? Hinata. I hate stammering people. Honestly, I'm bored with a topic before she's finished her first sentence. Then there's Miss Joanie Rotten with her uglyass hair. How dare she cry at the makeover? She should be fucking grateful! They made her look like a human for a change!

And Ino, oh god, do not let me get started on her."

Haku and Temari giggle themselves silly as Kin rants on.

"Oh, I want you to do me, too. Say what you think, I promise I won't get mad," Temari says, drying the tears of laughter off her cheeks.

"I have nothing on you," Kin admits. "Nor you," she glances at Haku. "Either you two are outplaying me, or you really are nice people. I don't know which is harder to believe.

"Ok," Temari says and sets the last remaining Breezer on the edge of the pool. "Let's play a truth game. The one with the best secret gets the last bottle."

"Fine, we start with you. What's with the fake accent? You sound upper class when you're speaking normally, why would you want to be taken for a simple Desert Rose?"

Temari grins. "Ah, my secret. My secret is my last name. Sabaku."

"Ooooooh shit. You're fucking royalty?"

The Sabaku family were the remains of the old aristocracy in Suna. Despite the modernised governance, the family still had power in the area, they owned half the lands and stocks to all the biggest companies.

"Being a princess is not all it's cracked up to be, I never get to do anything fun."

"Is that why you're here, then?"

"Sort of. And I made a bet with my brother."

"A bet?"

"About being able to do this without mentioning names. On my own."

"Well, you did," Haku smiles. "What did you bet?"

"Oh, just the Shadow Palace at the northern border of Suna. Historically, it was the summer palace of the ruling family, but now it's just a huge ass manor. My brother was going to inherit it, but because he's dumb and underestimated his sister, he now will not."

"Awesome!"

"Kin, what about you. Try and top that."

"Hmm… where should I begin… I ran away from a boarding school to get here."

"Boarding school? They've boarding schools in the Oto slums?"

"No. I was put in after I had a baby at sixteen."

"Whaaaaaaat?"

"My ex left me when I got pregnant. I have no job, no nothing. She's two years old now, my daughter, living with my mom. If I win this competition, I'll try and get her back."

"Wow. That's… crap." Temari looks down at her empty bottle.

"I'm sorry, Kin."

"Nah, it's fine. I'll just have to fight for her."

"What's her name?" Haku asks.

"Melody."

"That's a beautiful name."

"And you know," Temari says, "if you ever need help getting back at that asshole ex of yours, my family has a small army of professional body guards. You only need to ask."

Kin laughs. "I'll keep that in mind." She turns to Haku. "Your turn."

Haku examines her fingernails. "What makes you think I have a secret?"

"Ooh don't give me that. I can tell. You always smile like that, like you know something no one else knows. Tell us."

"Yeah, come on, we both told ours!"

"Alright. Let's just say I have something all of the girls in the house, well, except maybe Tayuya, are desperate to get."

"More booze? Diet pills? A cock?"

The tip of Haku's tongue darts out of her pretty mouth. The other two girls just stare at her. Kin's left hand flies up to cover her open mouth.

"No. Fucking. Way. No way!"

"I have never once during this competition referred to myself as a girl. I haven't really lied to anybody, and I did try to explain when they asked me to take part but they didn't listen. So I figured, why not play with them a little."

Kin shakes her head, her mouth still open.

"I can not believe this. I've met loads of trannies in my life but none them look like you. I mean you're… a girl!"

Haku laughs. "I don't know what I am, even less what I'd want to be. I guess I kinda hope that after this whole model thing I'll know something."

Temari hands Haku the last pink Breezer like an Oscar statue. "You, Mam, no, sorry, Sir, are the clear winner."

Haku giggles.

"Nah, we'll share." He opens the last bottle.

"And let this be our vow of silence," Temari says as the bottle is passed onto her.

"Never to speak to anyone about these things."

"They will come out sooner or later, though."

"Yes, but not from us."

*

"Tsunade-mail!" Sakura's voice wakes the house at eight in the morning. Yawning, they gather in the living room to hear their next instructions.

"Every flower, no matter how bright and beautiful, will wither. After tonight, only eight flowers will bloom."

"Great. Elimination."

This time they don't need cars, and the route to the judging room is marked for them with red sating bows. When they enter the room, the judges are already seated behind the long table.

Tsunade is standing in front of it.

"Hi, girls, welcome to your first judging! Our guest judge this week is Zetsu from Akatsuki Fashions who instructed you in your photo shoot. Before your individual evaluation, I want to remind you of the great prizes you're competing for. The winner will get a contract with Ichaicha Management, a cover and a tree page spread in Fire Magazine, shot by Mr Jiraya and of course, the chance to open the Akatsuki show at Konoha Fashion Week!"

She steps down a step.

"Ok, we have have randomly selected the beginner and Ino, you're up first. Here's your best picture." The picture appears on the screen to Ino's left.

"Your eyes are gorgeous," Ms G says. "Like blue M&M's."

"Too bad the rest of your face isn't as good," Orochimaru says. "Your mouth is sagging. Is that supposed to look sexy?"

"This photoshoot wasn't about being sexy," Zetsu complains. "But you didn't seem to get that."

"Sakura."

Sakura's face fills the screen. Her eyes are lined with light blue, and there's a design of light purple flowers on her right temple.

"Cotton candy!" Tsunade smiles.

"Yum,"says Jiraya.

"But you need more edge for this kind of look. The colours are so sweet, the contrast needs to come from your face. It can't be all sugar."

"Kin."

Kin's makeup was mostly gold, with a tribal design under her left eye. She looks cold and distantly, scarily beautiful.

"Divine," Orochimaru compliments her, and Kin gives an exhilarated little curtsy.

"Yes, it is," Jiraya says, but sounds less impressed than Orochimaru. "The picture is indeed gorgeous, but was this really what you wanted for this particular campaign?" He turns to Zetsu.

"Not really, no. You're right, it's a beautiful picture and most of your frames were just as gorgeous. But we wanted happy, agreeable, more down to earth beauty. I'm not sure you fit that."

Ino is happy to hear that. Perfect Kin failing makes her feel better about her supposedly sagging mouth. After Kin it's Tenten who gets compliments on not looking like herself, then Tayuya who complains about how her hair was destroyed and is told to shut up by Uchiha.

Everyone thinks Hinata looks scared in her picture but Zetsu insists it's exactly what he wanted. Shiho is told to open up more but everyone loves her new hair.

"Temari."

The picture appears, but no one says anything for a long time. Temari starts to get a little restless, she scratches her leg with her other foot and twists her hands behind her back.

"This is spot on what I wanted," Zetsu finally says. "A Blue Eyes Fuchsia is I ever saw one."

"Green eyes, more like. And what gorgeous eyes they are."

"I guess I was wrong about you," Orochomaru says, strangely serious. "The girl in that picture looks like a model."

It's hard to say whose smile is wider, Temari's or Tsunade's.

Haku is last, and the judges get into a fight over whether she looks better with curls or straight hair.

"Right. Now, the judges will deliberate and when we call you back, one of you will be eliminated.

*

The girls leave and Tsunade takes her seat. They spread the photographs on the table and start going through them, one by one.

"There's something off about her," Jiraya points at Haku. "I don't think she's taking this competition very seriously."

"I still love her," Ms G says. "And her, even though she's too soft."

"She needs to live a little. She wants to save the world without knowing what the world is."

"That's what she's here for!"

"I think she's the winner," Jiraya interrupts Orochimaru and Ms G and holds up Temari's picture.

"And not just because she has big jugs. This picture is overwhelming."

"I think so, too. But we need a loser as well." The others turn to look at Tsunade as she fishes out a picture.

"Zetsu, tell me about her."

"She was so angry all the time. And the picture is hideous. She does not look a thing like a Sticky Catchfly."

"What the hell is a Sticky Catchfly?"

"It's a flower!" Zetsu is deeply wounded by Jiraya's ignorance.

"Whatever," Orochimaru says. "She's gone."

"I agree," Ms G says. "This picture and that stunt at the make-over… she's not a model. And bitch gotta learn some manners."

Tsunade collects the pictures in a neat pile. "I guess we've reached our verdict, then. Let's call them back."

*

They have been waiting quietly. No bitching, no arguing and no giggling. Everyone's nervous.

Tsunade is waiting for them in the middle of the room, holding a familiar pile of pictures.

"There are nine girls in front of me, but I only have eight pictures in my hands," she says as they've settled in a line. "These pictures represent the girls who are sill in the running to become Konoha's next top model."

Ino thinks she's going to puke.

Tsunade flips the first picture.

"Temari. Congratulations. You're still in the running to become Konoha's next top model."

They all get their pictures, one by one, until only Ino and Tayuya are left. Ino needs to fight back both tears and vomit now.

"Ino and Tayuya, step forward please."

They move closer to Tsunade.

"There are two beautiful girls standing in front of me, but I only have one picture in my hands. The girl whose name I do not call must immediately return to the flat, pack her belongings, and go home."

She turns to Ino.

"You have confidence, lots of it. You're assertive and sure of yourself. But are you a model? Can you change when you have to? Can you take instructions?"

She turns to Tayuya.

"You are no less confident than she is. But you, too, need to learn humbleness. You cannot yell at a hairdresser or a photographer. You're their tool."

She pauses for what to Ino feels like a small eternity.

"Ino. Congratulations. You're still in the running to become Konoha's next top model." Ino exhales deeply through her mouth.

"Tayuya. Thank you."

Tayuya comes over to hug the other girls. Ino's eyes are still burning. This is truly turning out to be a wakeup call for a girl who's not used to hearing the truth.


	3. 2: The Girl who taped

Haha, sorry it's been ages^^' I wrote most of this during Christmas break but then I started having really bad headaches and heard I had to get glasses. Now that finally I have my glasses (hehe, I look really weird), you get fic3

So, dundunduuuuun. More Hidan-raging! BUT IT'S NOT HIS FAULT! More Retarded!Itachi! HE JUST NEEDS A HUG! Wardrobe malfunctions! Gift bags! Is it possible to overuse the word 'bitch'? Can ugliness make you blind? What the hell is wrong with Ms G? Will Kin and Ino ever be friends?

Chapter 2: The Girl who Taped

"TSUNADE MAIL!!!!" Kin screams despite feeling positively idiotic. Somehow the childish, superficial atmosphere of the flat has gotten to her, and she doesn't really mind playing by the ridiculous rules of Good Reality TV. She remembers watching Big Brother Oto in the TV room with all the other girls in the boarding school, analyzing the housemates and weaving intricate conspiracy theories on how the producers must have cast people into specific roles for good drama instead of wanting to observe the actions of Real People in unnatural surroundings.

It's only been eight days since the girls moved into the Akatsuki compound, and already a similar thing seems to have happened here. They've become charicatures of themselves.

Kin doesn't mind being a bitch. It's something she has learned to be the best defence in tough situations, and she has long stopped hoping everyone would like her. In a way, she thinks, Ino is the same. Kin can see the blonde girl from the corner of her eye, sitting on the floor in her purple velveteen track suit, painting her finger nails. Kin hates to admit it, but she doesn't actually think the other girl is as dumb as she seems. The dumb blonde act she puts on when Mr K or any of the Akatsuki guys are present is a mind game strategy; just an act to get Ino where she wants. Ino clearly hasn't been through as much shit as Kin herself, but the fighter potential is there. Well, whatever, Kin smiles to herself. Smart or not, she still hates the stupid cow.

Hinata is the last girl to appear in the living room, still dripping wet and wearing only a towel.

"I-I'm so-so-sor-"

"Fine, fine, fine", Kin cuts her off and waves the letter in the air in front of her. "Just shut the fuck up, all of you, and let me read the damn instructions."

Hinata doesn't sit down, instead she retreats back against the wall, blushing like crazy.

Kin clears her throat dramatically.

"Okay. 'We've heard you all talk the talk. But that's not all a model has to do. Be ready at 6 am. Tsunade.'"

"Runway."

"Ouch. And it starts at six. Why do we always have to start so damn early?"

"That's fashion world for you," Sakura smiles condescendingly at Temari. "If you can't handle-"

"I can handle it just fine," Temari rolls her eyes. "But tomorrow's just walking. Why can't we walk in daylight?"

"Well, maybe it isn't just walking," Kin muses as she crumbles the piece of cardboard in her hands and tosses it into the bin next to the couch.

"Quit jinxing us," Ino snaps.

*

Meanwhile elsewhere in the mysterious depths of the Akatsuki Compound, Orochimaru is spitting hair into a sink. Most of it is his own. There's also some blood, which, thank you for asking, is mostly not his.

"You have to admit, that was not the smartest way to handle this." The edge in Tsunade's voice is not softened by the bathroom door separating them.

"Shu' up!"

Tsunade's heel is clicking against the floor.

"Oro, I appreciate your noble attempt at giving me good TV, but honestly…"

"He started it!" Orochimaru pulls out the emergency eye liner he always carries in his jacket pocket and leans against the sink to get closer to the mirror.

"I know he did, he always does. But do you really have go along with it every single time? You're twice his age, is it really-"

Say what? Oro is out the door before Tsunade has finished her sentence.

"Did you just call me old?"

Tsunade stares at him.

"You're my age."

"I am not old!"

Tsunade sighs and raises her hands in surrender.

"Fine, you're still 25. Just like you've been for the last 25 years. And right now you kinda look 25. 25, stayed out drinking all night and woke up in a ditch with your head in an empty KFC bucket. Congratulations, so this season."

Orochimaru wants to hit her. But he knows from experience that she hits back even harder than Hidan, and he has to admit, he really doesn't feel like fighting again quite yet. Tsunade knows this. She smiles at him.

"I want you to go and apologize."

"WHAT?! Oh, hell no!"

"Oh, hell yes. This is my show. We get kicked out, I don't have a show. I don't have a show, you don't have a job."

"I don't need you. And I certainly do not need to apologize to that precocious little bag of shit."

"When was the last time you actually worked? You know, _modelled_?"

Orochimaru takes great pride in his bitchslaps; they're supersonic, sting like mad, all in all honed to perfection. But this time his hand gets nowhere near its target before Tsunade catches it midair, grabs his thumb in one fluid motion and twists it. Hard.

Orochimaru doesn't cry. If anyone asks, that howl was Mr K's dog.

*

Hidan has restyled his hair twice and isn't getting any happier. He wants to kill kill kill kill Orochimaru, strangle him, cut him, stab him, sever his limbs one by one and smash his skull and paint the godamned runway shining red with his blood. That would be some walking practice for the girls. Just walk, don't mind the squiggly bits of gray matter, a true model is never phased by small things like that. He licks his bleeding lower lip. Mmmm, bloooood.

A lock of hair springs up from his sleek wet look do, curving forward like an insect's antenna. Hidan glares at it, first in the mirror and then by crossing his eyes so badly they hurt. The lock does not seem intimidated. Hidan must be losing his touch.

He's about to visciously attack it with his tube of Got2b Extreme Fixation Gel when Itachi enters the large bathroom. The Uchiha looks tattered as usual in his dark flannel shirt and faded black jeans. He stops and stares at Hidan through the mirror. Hidan raises his pale eyebrows. Even with the one rebellious lock his hair looks tons better than Itachi's messy ponytail. Long black strands are so clean they're sticking to his pale face with static electricity, and Itachi seems to have forgotten his glasses on top of his head again. Judging from the way he's squinting his eyes, this probably happened yesterday.

"Oh, Hidan," Itachi says. "There's something on your forehead."

"No there isn't. You're going blind." It's not fair, taking his anger out on Itachi, but Hidan doesn't really care too much about being fair. Plus, Itachi never realises when he's being insulted.

"Oh, right, that must be it." Itachi waves his hand in front of his face as if chasing a way an invisible fly and moves over to the urinal. Hidan plays with the idea of kicking the other man in the backs of his knees but abandons the thought. After all, Itachi is mostly harmless. Instead he squeezes the rest of the gel from the tube onto his head and spreads it all over his hair. That should do the trick.

As he emerges from the bathroom he walks straight into Kisame who is standing just outside the door, practically leaning against it.

"Bwaaaah! WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Sorry, Hidan…. I … nothing." For such a large man, Kisame can disappear very quickly when he wants to. Hidan watches him hobble down the corridor with annoyed disbelief. How could he not get angry when every single person around him is so frustratingly weird? He makes his way back to their comfortable break room. He needs some coffee. There better be coffee.

There isn't any coffee. Deidara is lounging on the couch, yapping on his phone, and Konan is sitting at the large table with her newspaper, wearing nothing but a slinky purple nightie and insanely high black stilettos.

"Why isn't there any coffee?" Hidan whines to no one in particular and pokes at the orange gerbera sitting in a vase on the table.

"Wow, Hidan. You look like shit," Konan observes happily.

"Fuck you."

"You fought with him again, didn't you."

"Who?" Deidara asks, interrupting his call for some delicious office gossip.

"Orochimaru," Konan explains, before turning back to Hidan. "Didn't you?"

"None of your fucking business. Why isn't there any coffee?"

"I'm guessing because no one's made any," Konan offers helpfully.

"Well, fuck."

"Indeed." Konan straightens the paper with a rustle and goes back to ignoring both of the men in the room.

Hidan is annoyed, he hates being ignored when he's angry, so he stomps over to the couch and kicks Deidara in the shin.

"Owww! What the hell, man?"

"Make some coffee."

"Hidan, stop kicking Deidara and make some coffee." Pain closes the door behind him and takes a seat beside Konan.

"Good morning," he greets her. "You look very pretty today."

"Why thank you." Konan smiles like a cat that's being petted. "You don't look too bad yourself."

They're annoying and chirpy and flirty and Hidan has to kick Deidara again before going over to the kitchenette corner to make some coffee. Unfortunately, Pain's attention is back on him, and his next question makes Hidan pour the water intended for the coffee maker all over himself.

"So, Hidan. Is the showroom runway ready yet? From what I heard, Orochimaru had some pretty good ideas."

"Do not mention that name." Hidan shakes the now empty coffee pot at Pain.

"Does that mean you're not done?" Pain sighs. "Well, you have until the day after tomorrow. After that, I need to get the electricians in. So just, try and get along, ok?"

"Get along?! The man is in-fucking-sane. He wants feathers and curtains and a fucking fountain, and I have a budget of four grand. FOUR FUCKING GRAND! I'd like to see you try and get along with him!"

"Well, you could just tell Kakuzu that you need more money. Nothing set in stone."

Hidan glares at the orange-haired man.

"You try telling Kakuzu you need more money."

"If you're so scared of Kakuzu, you can always just go straight to Madara."

"I AM NOT SCARED. I just don't like fighting."

Konan snorts and buries her face in the paper. Deidara is less discreet.

"Ahahahaha oh my god, you won't believe what Hidan just said," he gleefully tells whoever is on the phone, "That he doesn't like fighting! I know, right! Bwahahahahaa!"

Hidan has very much had enough. He slams the coffee pot into the sink not caring if it breaks and storms over to the door. But once again there's someone right behind it.

"Oh fucking fuck on a fuck sandwich. What the hell do you want?"

Orochimaru looks very uncomfortable. Tsunade is standing right behind him, looking gorgeous as usual in a long bottle green dress.

"I... uhh."

"Say it," Tsunade commands and pokes Orochimaru in the temple.

"Oww! Alright! Fine." He turns back to Hidan, eyes flaming.

"Well?" Hidan asks, his voice cold. "Let's hear it then, retard. In case you didn't notice, I was on my way out and you're standing in my way."

The muscles in Orochimaru's thin cheeks tighten.

"I'm trying to apologize, bitch!" he growls through gritted teeth.

"Bitch please. Who died and made you Gandhi?"

"Uhh, Gandhi?"

"Whatever!"

"Don't 'whatever' me, bitch!"

"What was that, bitch?"

"Who you calling a bitch, bitch!"

"Ima call any bitch a bitch if they act like a bitch and lemme tell you, bitch-"

"STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT THIS MINUTE! BOTH OF YOU! NOT ANOTHER WORD!" Pain's roar jolts both Hidan and Orochimaru out of their little bitch bubble, and after he's done yelling, the room is suddenly very quiet. Pain coughs and draws another deep, slightly wheezy breath. There's a thick vein visible in his reddening forehead.

"Don't get excited," Konan tells him. She draws out a small brown paper bag out of her seemingly inexhaustible stash somewhere and hands it to the man. Clutching the bag tightly, Pain stumbles over to the door. He pulls Hidan back by the shoulder and steps between the two troublemakers.

"I'm so sick of you-" Pain has to take a break and hide his face in the brown bag, "-acting like-" Wheeze "-acting like children..." Wheeze "oh god, Konan, I don't feel so good." In a split second, Konan is also by the door, holding Pain up by his arm. The narrow doorway is starting to get very crowded.

"What's going on?" Itachi has appeared behind Tsunade with Kisame in tow. "Why is everybody yelling?" He's is squinting at them, trying to make sense of the blobs of colour wobbling in front of him. Kisame gently untangles Itachi's glasses from his hair and carefully places them on the shorter man's nose.

"Oh," Itachi blinks. "Wow. Hidan, you look like shit."

"Hee hee hee," Orochimaru sneers, pointing at Hidan from behind Pain's back. Hidan nearly knocks Konan over in his attempt to get around Pain to strangle Orochimaru and it takes a well-aimed punch from Tsunade to stop him.

After Hidan's being knocked out Pain's legs finally give in, and he slides down onto the floor. "Ok," he gasps. "everyone. Get to work. Just... go. Away. Not you, Konan." He looks up, still panting. "And Orochimaru. If the runway isn't painted and decorated in two days, I am firing both him and you, and neither of you will ever work in this this industry again. And this time I really mean it. I'm sick of this shit." He turns to Tsunade. "Take him away, lock him up if you have to."

"Roger." Tsunade brings her right right hand up to her forehead in a military-style salute and grabs Orochimaru by the neck with her left. "Let's go, bitch."

*

The following morning is not a happy one. Ino can't find the pair of her powder blue ankle boot and promptly accuses Kin of hiding it. Kin tells her she wouldn't dare to touch those boots for fear of catching their hideousness and Ino hits her in the face with a blow dryer.

When Mr K arrives at 05:45, Kin is still sitting on the kitchen floor, bawling her eyes out, while Sakura is crouching next to her, holding a tissue to the brunette's bleeding nose. Temari has stepped in for her injured sister-in-arms and has already ruined two of Ino's outfits by spraying Diet Coke on them.

At some point Hinata found the missing boot by the patio door but was too scared to -venture into the battlefield to deliver it. Her "p-pp-pl-ple-ease d-don't f-fff" was lost in the rage of the battle and she finally gave up and handed the shoe to Shiho instead.

The librarian braced herself and entered the living room only to barely dodge a hairbrush flying through the air. So she sat down on the couch, and carefully placed the shoe next to her, intending to wait for a temporary ceasefire, but forgot and wandered off to the kitchen when the idea of coffee entered her slightly scatterbrained head. Mr K, after getting over his slight miff over the fact that no one noticed his entrance, sits on the couch, hoping for the situation to evolve into a model pillow fight. The sharp heel of Ino's boot digging into his buttock makes him jump up with a slightly girly shriek, and thus finally brings peace to the room.

Temari, her hands tangled in Ino's hair, has to turn her head nearly 180 degrees to see what's going on the couch behind her. Mr K smiles behind is ever-present scarf. "Don't mind me, girls, just keep going."

"Uhh, weren't we supposed to be ready at 6 am?" Tenten asks. She has taken refuge in a corner, protecting her cup of coffee with two hands.

Mr K stares at her. Who is this girl again?

Tenten stares back. "Isn't that why you're here? To takes wherever they want us to be?"

Mr K says nothing. Now that he thinks of it, he does have the teeniest recollection of seeing this girl before. Maybe she's one of the cleaners that work here. Ah, yes. That must be it. He smiles at her. "It's ok, we'll be gone in a few minutes. You can start with the bathrooms, and we'll be out of your way in no time."

The girl looks confused. Hmm, maybe she's a foreigner. "Gone. Soooooooon," Mr K repeats, pronouncing very clearly and pointing at the bathroom door. "Soooooooooon."

Tenten blinks. Either Mr K is having some sort of a strange seizure or he's just very excited about having to use the toilet. She can't help with either so she takes her cup and goes to her bedroom to get ready, leaving the obviously raving mad Mr K sooing and mooing to himself.

It takes another 30 minutes for everyone to get their act together and it's nearly half six before Mr K finally leads them into the smaller runway room. The large hall is dark and empty save for the runway itself. Mr K isn't fooled. He knows Ms G, he probably has some very strange shit planned for today.

Sure enough, the runway explodes into fireworks as the doors close behind Sakura, the last in line. The girls all jump about a feet into the air, fireworks at 6:30 am is not what they were expecting. After the smoke as evaporated they huge flaming letters burning above the runway, spelling the word 'sparkle!'.

A figure appears at the far end of the runway, and music starts blaring out of invisible speakers.

_It's your time to sparkle, your time to sparkle, girl! Work it while you're still young!_

The character struts over to them, working the runway, hips jutting from side to side like there's no tomorrow. It's Ms G.

"Good god," someone whispers behind Ino. Ino agrees. Good god, indeed. Ms G is wearing a bright green catsuit with orange fur leg warmer, and instead of his usual bowl cut he's sporting a huge black afro. And... is that a glittering pink comb half visible at the top of said afro?

"Good morning, ladies! Are you ready to sparkle with the power of youth?!"

Damn Kin for challenging fashion world karma. This is definitely not 'just walking'.

Ms G jumps down from the runway. "Good morning, K! My eternal rival, are you ready to be blown away?"

Mr K smiles. "Sure!"

"GOOD! Oh, by the way, where's your dog?"

"He's sick, unfortunately. Headache. I've told him he probably needs glasses but he won't believe me."

"Oh, poor thing. He's missing quite a show!"

"I bet." Actually, Pakkun isn't sick at all. He's scouting the compound at Mr K's orders, sniffing out interesting gossip and reporting it to his master via an ear piece hidden in Mr K poofy hair.

"ALRIGHTY!" Ms G's attention is back on the girls. "You must be shaking with excitement by now!" He smiles, showing every single one of his blindingly white teeth. "Now, today you're all getting a SUPER SPECIAL treat! That's right, you are going to learn the most important walk a model ever has to use. It has many names, but I'll be referring to it as The Fierce Walk! Now get up on that runway!"

The girls are glad to get away from the scary man. They form a line at the far end of the runway in front of the shabby white curtains slightly blackened by the firework show. No one wants to go first.

"Oh, for the love of god," Ino huffs and pushes her way forward, making sure her foot hits Kin on the way. "I'll go first."

If it's sexy they want, she's going to give them that. How hard can it be?

"Err... Did you dislocate your shoulder? That looked kind of painful." Ms G is not looking very impressed. Ino is fuming. That was her sexiest walk! Weird dress-wearing man-thing! Howe could he know anything about female sensuality! Stupid ass. She marches back to the other girls. Kin and Temari are laughing. "I'm sorry about your shoulder, Ino, maybe you should go see a doctor just in case."

"Shut your face, ho-bag! You wouldn't know sexy if it forced itself down your throat!"

"Hey, chill bitches! Next girl, start walking. Chop chop!" Apparently the idea of a another model bitch fight is not appealing even to Mr K.

None of them do much better than Ino. Kin gets told of for trying to be too sexy and Shiho apparently walks like a horse. Sakura is last. She walks fast, heels clicking and arms swaying and makes it to the end of the runway twice faster than anyone else.

"Oh, god. What are you? A business man who forgot his laptop?" Ms G rolls his eyes at Mr K. "We have a loooot of work to do."

*

"Well done, Hinata! Finally!" Ms G gave them all 6inch orange stilettos and has made them walk, walk and walk for thee hours straight. Hinata was the last to receive her thumbs up, and looks tired enough to fall asleep right there on the runway. Ms G doesn't look tired at all. He jumps up from his collapsible chair and claps his hands.

"Yes! I KNEW you'd all get it! And for that, you're all getting a special treat!"

A tall, grumpy looking man whose skin looks strangely bluish appears from the shadows, pushing a large cart loaded with pink paper bags. Ino squeeks. Gift bags! Now she really feels like a model! She and Kin are the first to reach the cart but the other girls are right on their heals. The man who brought the gift bags retreats away from the cart that is now resembling a dead buffalo surrounded by a group of hungry lionesses.

"Alright! That, my darling little balls of youthful bitchiness, is what you'll be wearing for the next task!"

Ino's hands are shaking so badly she barely hold the bag. She has to sit down on the floor, her knees are about to give in. She looks up, horrified. It's Kin's dark eyes that meet hers, and Ino can see the other girl is just as petrified as she is. In that shared moment of horror, they feel connected despite all their hatred for one another.

"I can't wear this," Kin whispers, crouching down next to Ino. The blonde shakes her head. She lets the bag fall onto her lap and reaches over to take Kin's hand. The black-haired girl flinches but doesn't pull away. "Don't worry," Ino whispers. "This doesn't mean I like you. I just don't think we should be alone right now." Kin nods. It's the first time Ino has ever seen her look so vulnerable.

Around them the other girls are also digging into their bags and coming to the same horrible conclusion: Ms G wants them to dress like him, green spandex, legwarmers, orange leather gloves. They even get their own sparkly little afro combs.

The patron saints of fashion and good taste must either be dead, or rolling on the ground, choking on their own blood.

Ms G, unfortuntaly, is still alive and well. He claps his hands excitedly. "OK! Go get ready! And this time, WORK IT!"

*

Haku is not looking froward to the next bit. But spandex tends to reveal more than it hides and he doesn't feel like giving up on the game just yet. He pulls at the handle, but the bathroom door doesn't open.

"Hello?" he starts nervously, "Are you going to take long?"

There's no answer. He presses his ear against the door. He can hear faint ruffling and huffing, a few muttered curse words and then a strange screeching sound.

"Umh, are you ok in there?" he tries again. The noises stop and after a few seconds the door opens, but only very slightly.

"Who is it," Temari's voice is nervous and her green eye is peering out through the small crack. "Oh, you," she sounds relieved.

"What on earth are you doing?"

"Shhhh!" Temari's eye looks left and right, checking if they could be overheard. "Get in here."

As soon as Haku is inside the cubicle Temari slams the door shut again, locks it and leans against it with a groan. It's only now that Haku gets a proper look at what she's wearing. Temari is in her underwear, but her bra is hardly visible from under what appears to be a dozen layers of silver duct tape.

"I have an embarrassing problem."

"You got... attacked by Macgyver?"

"No!" Temari rubs her eyes. "I can't fit into that goddamn suit. I can't zip it up. So I thought I'd just.... Arrgh! I don't know what I thought!" Her eyes look a little red. "Haku, what the hell am I going to do? You heard Ms G. One size fits all. Well, not me I doesn't!" She slides down onto the floor, the duct tape pulling her skin into strange lumps. Haku squats down next to her.

"I'll tell you what," he says in his best reassuring voice, "I'll help you, if you let me borrow your tape."

Temari raises an eyebrow. Haku mimicks her.

"Oh, right. Shit. I'm sorry. Wow. That must hurt like mother fucker."

Haku cringes. "You have no idea."

*

"Alright!" Ms G shouts from the other side of the curtain. "I want you to come out, one by one, and give me your sassiest, edgiest, sexiest walk. And when you get to the end of the runway, strike a pose, and I'll take a picture. That's right, surprise, this is also your photoshoot! So, you better work it! You better SPARKLE!"

Haku doesn't feel particularly sparkly. Walking hurts like hell and he doesn't really know how to move his hips without getting very sensitive areas pulled in all directions in a very uncomfortable way. He's never bothered to learn how to tuck properly, and he'd never ever have guessed he might actually need that knowledge one day. The only one looking almost as bad as he feels is Temari who can barely move her upper torso. Haku is still not quite sure how they did it, but somehow they got her into the suit and then Haku wriggled his arm inside and taped the underside of the zipper while Temari slowly pulled it up. Getting her out of the suit will be a whole new challenge.

Haku shouldn't have worried. At Ms G's call, Temari steps out first. She makes it to the end of the runway just fine, but gets a little overconfident as breathing gets easier, further encouraged by Ms G's enthusiastic applauds. If she'd bothered to think, she might have realised that the loss of constriction actually meant that the tape was peeling off, not that she was just getting used to it. Unfortunately, she decides to pose like she means it, arching her back and pushing her chest out, pose completed with a winning smile, and then... Crack. The zipper bursts open, all the way down to her crotch. Ms G's camera falls, revealing his mouth hanging open. For a moment they just stare at each other, until Temari's shocked mind finally connects the dots.

"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuuuck!" Desperately trying to pull the bits of green spandex to cover herself, she jumps off the runway and dashes past Ms G and Mr K, both still flabbergasted, and finally, out of the door.

Mr K brings his hand up to his scarf. "K to P. Potential drama heading south from the south-west runway room. I repeat. Potential drama heading south. K out."

*

Temari has made her way back to the apartment and although she really wants to lock herself in a bathroom again, she opts for stealing one of Kin's cigarettes instead. After a few hours she can hear the front door. They're home.

She waits for a while, but no one comes to her. No gloating, no laughing, no questions. The house is quiet.

She gets up and opens the patio door. "Hello?" No answer. "Kin? Haku? Are you back?"

A small, ugly dog, like a cross between a pug and a chihuahua, totters up to her.

"Eurh," it says.

Temari doesn't really know what to think.

"Uhm. Hi. Are you lost?"

"Mrh." The dog licks her big toe, turns, and totters back across the living room. After a while Temari hears the front door again. She is still standing by the patio door, now wondering if she's lost her mind. Then she starts laughing.

When the girls arrive after a short while, she still sitting there, on the floor, laughing her ass off.

*

It's Saturday morning and the girls are standing in front of the judges again. Mr K is sitting in the guest judge seat and Tsunade is standing in front of the long table in a long pink dress with a Chinese style high collar and her hair up in a bun.

"Hello girls, and welcome to your third judging. Behind me is our wonderful panel of judges and guest judging this week is our very own little detective, Mr K. This week you'll be judged by your walk and the pictures from you're runway day with Ms G. We have randomly selected the beginner and Tenten, you're first. Please walk up to me, showing three distinctly different walks."

Temari is last. She can feel the eyes of the judges burn her skin, and walks fast to get out of the situation as soon as possible. She already screwed up, not much a prance around the judging room could do.

Tsunade then tells them to leave the room for the deliberation and when she says it, she's looking straight at Temari.

*

"Alright, let's get this over with." Madara points at Haku, Ino and Sakura.

"Best walks, hands down. They're in."

"She's too bony. I'm all for fitness but she has no curves whatsoever." Jiraya brings Haku's picture closer to his face. "I still feel there's something not right here."

"Pfft." Tsunade picks up Shiho's picture."She's even bonier."

Jiraya snorts. Tsunade rolls her eyes. "What is it, Jiraya?"

"Teeheehee, you said 'boner'."

"There's no I in boner."

"There is one."

"Oh for fucks sake."

"Oh, if that's where you want to take it!"

"Jiraya, shut up, or I'll take a leaf out of Temari's book and duct tape your whole face!"

"Ahaha, that's right. Temari. Your precious Big-is-Beautiful protégé. She really did it this time, didn't she."

"She had an accident," Tsunade snaps, her glare shifting from Jiraya to Orochimaru.

"She broke the outfit," Ms G grumbles.

"And what a loss it was!"

"Tsunade, I'm afraid they have a point," Madara interrupts. "The show numbers come in specific sizes, and the model is the hangar that we use to get them on display. If the hangar is too big, the clothes don't look the way they should."

"But, when I started-"

"THIS IS NOT THEN!" Madara hates it when he has to raise his voice. "This is now. Why is it that every single judging always turns into a retarded shouting match?"

"Hahahaa, you heard him, Tsunade. You were WRONG! And guess who was right, all along? That's right, ME!" Orochimaru sticks his tongue out at Tsunade.

"Is that so? Jiraya, hold his arms!"

Orochimaru screeches like a turkey on the night before Thanksgiving when Tsunade lands on his lap. Jiraya's got his arms in an efficient lock behind his back and before he can scream again, a piece silver tape covers his mouth, followed by a few more for good measure.

Tsunade huffs and brushes an escaped lock off hair off her face. About 20 of the lowest of the tiny clips keeping her dress together have become undone in the process and she is now showing a fair amount of leg.

"See," she smiles at Orochimaru, pointing at her exposed thigh. "Happens to the fucking best of us."

"Hoohan' shiuheedehenhenha!" Orochimaru mumbles behind his tape.

"Oh, what was that? Can't really hear you."

Madara's forehead hits the table with a thump. It's only been two weeks and his esteemed guests are really getting on his last nerve.

"I'm sorry, Tsunade, but I've made my decision. Call them back and wrap it up. I have other business to attend to."

The girls return to find Tsunade flushed with anger, Orochimaru with her mouth taped shut and Madara nowhere to be seen.

"Right. Well, as you all know by now, one of you is going home today. I call your name, you get your picture, you're still in." Her tone is sharp and she's speaking very fast, not at all like her usual warm, understanding self.

"Right, then." Tsunade flips over the first photo. "Shiho. This picture is exquisite. Your cheekbones are to die for and you actually manage to look good in that hideous outfit. And those arms. That, right there, is modelling. You've definitely learned something. So, you are the winner this week."

Shiho's face lights up but Tsunade raises her hand before she can say anything. "However. Some of your frames looked down right disturbing. Your spine is visible even through the fabric, and your legs look like they're about to snap. You need to eat more. Shut up, Orochimaru. I have scheduled for you a meeting with a nutritionist, and if you won't go and see him, I'll eliminate you from this competition."

Shiho says nothing, takes her picture and stumbles over to the left side of the room.

Tsunade flips the next photo. "Sakura."

Finally, only two girls are left. Temari has found her self esteem again and although she knows what is coming, she steps in front of Tsunade with her head held high. Tsunade sighs.

"There are two amazing girls standing in front of me, but I only have only have one picture in my hands." She flips the picture over. "Hinata, congratulations. You're still in the running to become Konoha's Next Top Model."

Trembling, Hinata accepts her picture and joins the other girls. Tsunade wipes her eyes.

"You have no idea how sorry I am to have to say this."

Temari smiles. "It's alright."

Tsunade sniffs. "You're a wonderful, beautiful girl and I know we're going to see more of you." A whistle and 'yes, please' sounds from Jiraya's end of the judges' table. Tsunade rolls her eyes, making Temari giggle.

"Thanks for the opportunity, Tsunade."

"Thank you, Temari."

They hug and Temari turns to leave, but stops after one step and turns back. "Hey, umh, could I just say something, into a camera? I want to send a message to my brother."

"Sure," Tsunade points her to the right camera.

"Thanks." Temari stares straight into a camera and lifts up her middle finger. "To my darling brother, Kankuro Sabaku: I won, loser, look where I am. You owe me a palace!"

***

Oh, Temari, I am soooo sorryXD

so, who do you think is going to win? Who would you want to win?


End file.
